What Really Matters....

"Nothing can bring you peace, but yourself."- Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, today, I finished hiking Hadrian's Wall. Considering how frustrated I was Wednesday, this was not necessarily a forgone conclusion. Today, despite the pelting rain,  was a grand day, most notably for the fact  that I walked without being in hideous pain for the first time on this journey. I have eaten a whole bottle of motrin, all 100 tablets, this week. At times I considered snorting them, shoving them under my skin, and maybe tucking them up my other end, just in case it could be more readily absorbed this way. To finally have my body accepting that this hike is going to happen, that I have a whole nother country to walk across, is such a gift. (Not that it feels GOOD yet, lets not be hasty....)

So here is what matters, lesson-wise, so far:

*It's often easier to go uphill, than down.
*Stop and look back.
*Small kindnesses matter! The lady who brought my drenched, sorry self a cup of hot tea from her home today, while I waited two hours in the rain for the bus. The Irish fellow who refilled my water bottle a long way from nowhere. Les, who took me in for a night when I couldn't walk another step, even though his hostel was closed. The farmer who returned me to the trail after I had strayed a goodly distance. Joan, from the Quaker meeting in Carlisle, who took me home for a lovely home cooked lunch Sunday afternoon. Just dozens of pleasant, cheerful, helpful people along the way, too many kindnesses to name....
*Good boots. No other part of my body is dry, but my feet are. (Thanks, Dad & Mom.) Good walking poles too. (Thanks Corla!) If for no other reason than when you are laid out flat on the ground, you can sort of pull yourself along with them. Or at least use them to pull small, shiny bits of trash closer to you so you have something to look at while you suffer.

I had hoped for dramatic changes and insights into my life as a result of this trip, and I expect the results will be more subtle, but already, I see some clarity and purpose to my return home in October.
Open your pubs, Scotland!!!!! Ima comin'!

Touchdown, Gratitude, and getting started. Tomorrow.

My arrival into the third world hell hole of London was as uneventful as could be! The streets, shown on TV as full of looters and all sorts of burning things only days before appeared normal. A few boarded up windows here and again, but nothing too alarming. I've been delayed yet another day here, trying desperately to get my phone unlocked and secure local data service before my bus leaves for New Castle tomorrow morning. I've been told suppertime tonight, that I can pick my phone up, and it SHALL BE DONE.... hopefully so! ( Note, it was not done, and I am now carrying a stupid phone with a UK number.)
There have been a lot of small irritations in the lift off, GPS not working, Tmobile failing to unlock my phone, clutch going out on the car on the way to the airport, but many joys as well. So many friends stopped by in the last days before my departure. Thank you all for the support, love, gifts... Im touched in the most indescribable of ways. I haven't even begun the journey yet and the tug of home is working on my heart.
Home is far away now and my gear is exploded all over the floor of David's guest room as I sift through it over and over again, trying for figure out what to leave behind. Food is even more expensive than I remembered, and the VAT tax has gone up to fund the Olympics, so the nuts and dark chocolate bars I got cheaply at BBs were packed first. Ive only seen the sun for a few minutes early this morning, and it's cold! Im so glad for the thermals and windbreakers. I'm packing a lot of my gear into zip lock bags in an effort to stay dry. Update: Im leaving for Scotland NOW. I need a Sherpa. How did this $%#^%# bag get so heavy?
The time in London has been grand. I've been to two fabulous restraunts, one turkish, one scottish, to the National Portrait Gallery and the Tate, and I've destroyed my liver. David's friends have been amazing and fun. I need to wash and the cab comes in 17 minutes. Haven't slept yet and this post is almost inarticulate, but I'm slapping it on the web anyway. Love to all.

Exam Week

How can a whole month have flown past? When I posted last, time seemed like a fat cat in a sunny window, luxuriating, purring, in no hurry at all. Now, I am the fat cat in the window, stiff from laying in one spot too long, and surprised to find that the sun has been long down, and I may in fact, have missed dinner.
Important, must-be-done projects vie for my attention, and new ones smack me in the face, literally. I've lost enough weight to where my glasses fall off if I bend over, so somehow, I have to jam in a trip to the eye glass place. After taxes, getting my cell phone unlocked, packing, one more fundraiser.....
In any case, on Tuesday, my journey begins.
Why a vision quest and why now? (And why a blog post now, when I should be out repairing the roof on my rental house?)
A vision quest is traditionally defined as a journey undertaken by a young person entering into adulthood. It is discussed as a  rite of passage or a transition. This is where I find myself, as I transition through the approximate mid point of my life.  Maybe, because I settled down at such a young age, I missed some important steps in maturation. Perhaps the failure to have taken the proper steps earlier in my life explains my inability to fully accept myself or to settle into a more typical life pattern. At this point, all the things I identified myself by are stale or deteriorated. Married only in name, I'm no longer a wife. Mother to a very independent and self sufficient young man, my days are no longer full of the homeschooling and carpooling demands that once devoured my time. My farm, while successful at least in reputation and product quality, has turned into a daily slog. I am no longer filled with a sense of wonder over my plants and animals, only an endless dread of the weeding and mucking, and the constant strain of trying to produce more, to somehow turn a profit. I've tried many things in my life, most of which have been satisfying for awhile.

"After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality, and so on- have found that none of these fully satisfy, or permanently wear- what remains?" Walt Whitman

Indeed. What remains? As a society, no real value is placed on thinking about these things. There are plenty of very social acceptable ways that I could fill my days. I could volunteer more or remarry. I'm sure I could get a pill prescribed for my malaise, or find ways to numb myself to the passing of time. The reality is that maybe I've been numb for too long already. No church sermon is going to pave my way, no trip to the mall for retail therapy is going to give me the new outlook I need. In the end, only a hard, long, honest look at myself is going to help me find new tools a dreams that will bring joy and meaning to the latter half of my life.
Perhaps this journey is just a search for a graceful way into middle age. I hope it will be more. I dream of healing, clarity, renewal, and purpose. A vision quest...

"Do not mirror the behavior and customs of the world; be a new and different person that brings a freshness to all you do." Romans 12:2