Exam Week

How can a whole month have flown past? When I posted last, time seemed like a fat cat in a sunny window, luxuriating, purring, in no hurry at all. Now, I am the fat cat in the window, stiff from laying in one spot too long, and surprised to find that the sun has been long down, and I may in fact, have missed dinner.
Important, must-be-done projects vie for my attention, and new ones smack me in the face, literally. I've lost enough weight to where my glasses fall off if I bend over, so somehow, I have to jam in a trip to the eye glass place. After taxes, getting my cell phone unlocked, packing, one more fundraiser.....
In any case, on Tuesday, my journey begins.
Why a vision quest and why now? (And why a blog post now, when I should be out repairing the roof on my rental house?)
A vision quest is traditionally defined as a journey undertaken by a young person entering into adulthood. It is discussed as a  rite of passage or a transition. This is where I find myself, as I transition through the approximate mid point of my life.  Maybe, because I settled down at such a young age, I missed some important steps in maturation. Perhaps the failure to have taken the proper steps earlier in my life explains my inability to fully accept myself or to settle into a more typical life pattern. At this point, all the things I identified myself by are stale or deteriorated. Married only in name, I'm no longer a wife. Mother to a very independent and self sufficient young man, my days are no longer full of the homeschooling and carpooling demands that once devoured my time. My farm, while successful at least in reputation and product quality, has turned into a daily slog. I am no longer filled with a sense of wonder over my plants and animals, only an endless dread of the weeding and mucking, and the constant strain of trying to produce more, to somehow turn a profit. I've tried many things in my life, most of which have been satisfying for awhile.

"After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality, and so on- have found that none of these fully satisfy, or permanently wear- what remains?" Walt Whitman

Indeed. What remains? As a society, no real value is placed on thinking about these things. There are plenty of very social acceptable ways that I could fill my days. I could volunteer more or remarry. I'm sure I could get a pill prescribed for my malaise, or find ways to numb myself to the passing of time. The reality is that maybe I've been numb for too long already. No church sermon is going to pave my way, no trip to the mall for retail therapy is going to give me the new outlook I need. In the end, only a hard, long, honest look at myself is going to help me find new tools a dreams that will bring joy and meaning to the latter half of my life.
Perhaps this journey is just a search for a graceful way into middle age. I hope it will be more. I dream of healing, clarity, renewal, and purpose. A vision quest...

"Do not mirror the behavior and customs of the world; be a new and different person that brings a freshness to all you do." Romans 12:2