Quite a few people have been surprised to see me around town. "I thought you were still on the road!"
In truth, I did not announce my return. When I decided to come home, I pulled the plug and was on the east coast in four intense days of driving. I did not post much. In the same way that the doors opened for me going out, they begin to close as I turned east. My last serious night out found me camped at altitude, in a snow line, a frosty 13 degrees just out of Grand Tetons National Park. The moon rose late, and I had as clear a look at the stars as I ever will again. Already, they were somewhat indistinct and I had trouble picking out constellations. I turned away with a tinge of sadness and loss, a surge of joy at having made the quest, and a firm desire to be home again.
I drove for hundreds of miles in silence, then letting the music or the news flow. I spent a lot of time replaying "Holding On" by the War on Drugs and "What it Means" by the Drive by Truckers.
I had hoped for revelation on this trip. Maybe I would finally know what I wanted to be when I grew up! Instead, I found myself with more questions. What does it mean? Do I hold on too long, too hard? By holding on, do I block the possibility of new revelation or energy? What do I want to be when I grow up? Since I am still on the road, can I just eat nachos or ice cream for every meal?
The only clear revelation that I got on my travels was to stop looking into the future and just live in today. Make the best of this shadow time that I have between light and darkness. Hell, I have always known that! I didn't need to drive 10,000 miles to learn that...or maybe I did. This trip was a treasure. Some of the best visits I have ever had with friends and family along my path. The hospitality and love from each of you was outstanding, absolutely beautiful. Thank you. The stories of the literal miracles I was gifted with along the way bubble out of me. The beauty of the things I saw will never leave me. To each of you who held the fort while I was away, helped me, funded me, guided me, thank you!
And coming home. My yes. Home. As on my previous vision quests, I came home with the certain knowledge that this is my home. I am part of a wonderful community here...my family and my farm friends and art friends and meeting friends and gaming friends and friend-friends.....I arrived in time for the memorial of a long time friend and pillar in my world. I came home just in time to enjoy the fall produce and see the leaves change color here. A gift of knowing that I will travel internationally one more time at least. I had the joy of music and celebration with friends last week. The contentment of seeing my cousin off as he left to assist hurricane victims in the islands. They beauty of old friends stopping by and family around the wood stove. The amazement of working on new pieces of art, a place I thought was lost to me. The laughter this morning that is always part of the last farm market of the year and the hugs that hold you over until next season. The joy of going to a friends farm today after wonderful meeting to pick up the beautiful Thanksgiving and Christmas Turkeys that they raised for me.
So as Thanksgiving approaches I am dwelling solidly in the place between light and dark, holding on....
Beautifully written. Much love.
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